Reconstructing Our New Family:
Thank Goodness, Other Child-Loss Parents "Get It"
Child-Loss parents "get it." We "get it" because our world has come to a halt. Our whole beings have been through an assault. An assault has been dumped on us.
This past Tuesday, on Merry Katherine's 5th birthday away from us, hearing what our new friends, (other child-loss parents) said to us was so special ~ We were crying every time somebody said something, We were touched very deeply by what each of you said. We were not traumatized by anything that you said.
(We're more traumatized when somebody doesn't say something, but if they did they wouldn't say it right.)
I had one aunt that called, and she had lost a child. And the one friend Tommy spent some time with on that day, also has been through child-loss.)
We have a new language we speak to each other that no one else understands.
Within the language that we child-loss mothers speak to each other, Tommy noticed, is the "ongoing bond" ~ a continuing relationship with our child even in their absence.
Instead of "moving on," as we are so oft scolded to do, we're spending the much needed time and work of reconstructing our lives and reconstructing the newly emerging bonds with our deceased child, even reconstructing different bonds with our living children. According to the research , this continuing bond with our deceased (but spiritually living) child is key to being able to go on living (in a meaningful and healthy way).
Evidently, we are also reconstructing our families...to include those who love us IN our grief and pain, and who want to get to know and love our children, whether deceased OR living. Thankfully, I did hear from some family members that day, two precious nieces, a nephew, and a sister-in-law. It was so precious and touched each of us so deeply.
Once again, I was surprised and disappointed by the family members from whom I did not hear, adding to my already-deep hurt and pain. The fact that I keep getting "surprised" by their insensitivity tells me I am giving way too much credit to people who say they love me but don't seem to be able to live out that love in the ways I would naturally expect...
Thank you to our beloved brothers-and-sisters-in-grief. Without you, our pathways would be much lonelier and even more unbearable. Why others cannot grieve with those who grieve as our Master lovingly directed, we will not be able to fathom this side of Heaven...
Since your words were so beautiful, I would like to share them with other readers, anonymously of course to protect privacy:
Merry Katherine's Birthday
"I know today will be very hard for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers always but especially on those special days like today, the day your precious daughter was born. I hope you can have happy thoughts of her and will be surrounded by the rest of your family. I love you and am praying for you." ~CWR
"Angie and Tommy, I'm thinking and praying for you on this, your precious angel Merry's birthday. I know the Lord hears our crys and saves our tears and am so thankful for that. Only His peace that passes all understanding sustains us. All my love and prayers." ~KTH
"Happy Birthday to your sweet Merry Catherine. I hope you are surrounded by her love and warm memories of days passed. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. ((((♥))))" ~KKL
"Much love and prayers" ~ms pd
"She is a precious Teen Angel and I am sure having an amazing Birthday!" ~LHP
"Beautiful! Love and miss you ; )" ~MBT
"Thinking of y'all today!" CCB, MSB, and children
"Thoughts & prayers with you, Angie!" ~FB
Angie & Tommy, I am thinking of you both and sending some cyber hugs your way on this most important day...the day your precious daughter Merry Katherine was born and brought such happiness and fulfillment to your lives.
Happy Birthday Merry Katherine! May sweet and loving memories of your beautiful little girl hold the sadness at bay for just a little while. ♥ ~DP
"Angie hope the day brings you sweet memories of Merry Katherine and little tears. Hugs from new jersey" ~LM
"Tried my best to avoid this day, but God had too many awesome things to show me today. I'm so blessed by His prescence, you'd think that I would remember that and just jump in with both feet more often!" ~RTP
"Angie, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult day of remembering your sweet baby's birthday. Love and hugs," ~EK
"Dearest Angie and Tommy, I pray the day will be gentle and you will dwell on the happy memories of your precious Merry Katherine. Happy Birthday Merry Katherine!" ~CWR
"Thinking of you and Merry Katherine today and always, Angie...." ~CZS
"Hi Angie ~ happy birthday to beautiful Merry Katherine, and to you her mom. Many blessings and prayers to you today. Hugs from Colorado..." ~MHS
"Happy Birthday Merry Katherine!! My thoughts and prayers are with you Angie and Tommy. To me, (B's) birthday is the second hardest day of the year...only slightly more manageable than the day of her passing. Words can never do justice in explaining the pain we feel when we must face these days each year, and experience the re-breaking of our own hearts. Love and hugs to you both." ~TE
"Angie, You have been in my thoughts and prayers all day. I hope that you felt your precious Merry Katherine close to your heart. I can just see Merry and (ER) meeting at her party up in Heaven and talking about how their mom's are on the same facebook group! How we long to be there with them. Give your hubby a hug and tell him that we are thinking of him, too. Birthdays are so hard, but soon and very soon we are all going to be together again. For now Jesus holds them, until we meet face to face. I love the passage in Thessalonians that says we will first meet up with our loved ones and then together we will meet the Savior in the air at the Second Coming! I always think of it like when you come through an airport and in the crowd you see your loved one peaking through. That will be our girls when we meet them again. ((((Hugs))))" ~TB
"Angie, thinking of you today on Merry's birthday. My candle will be lit here in California in her memory. I hope you feel her arms holding you tight." ~CH
"Thinking of you also today, may you feel her presence all around you." ~LM
"Angie, thinking of you and your precious Merry today on her birthday. One day, we will all have the BIGGEST birthday party ever in Heaven! My prayers are with you. Love and hugs." ~KTH
"(((Angie))) I'm remembering Merry with you and sending up "Happy Birthday" wishes to your beautiful daughter. May your treasured memories of Merry bring a smile to your face everyday, and allow you sweet dreams of her each night. I wish you peace. God bless you & your family. Love & Hugs!!" ~MH
"Dear Angie, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today on your sweet Merry Katherine's birthday. I hope you can let the wonderful memories comfort you today. Love," ~KHA
"Thinking of you today on Merry's birthday. I hope you feel her arms around you today my friend. My candle will be lit here in California in her memory" ~CH
"Happy 24th Birthday to your baby girl. HUGS." ~SKS
"The poem is just beautiful. Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl. And blessings to her namesake." ~BRK
"Happy Birthday to your daughter. I do believe that she had everything to do with the little girl on the way~~" ~BL
"Angie, your blog today - "Wednesday's Woe" - was awesome. What a beautiful day you had, even in the midst of the sadness. I know God was with you". ~MHS