Merry Katherine gave me another Valentines Day present this year. I stumbled across a c.d. she had made. She knows my heart, and she knows just what I need to calm a large part of this aching mother’s heart.
One of my big fears for her before she was killed on 8/2/06 (besides the obvious safety issue of a child with her high-energy, high-risk behavior) was that she would wander so far away from God in her acting-out that, without realizing it, her heart would harden more and more until she wouldn’t turn back to Him. (Her heart was already icing up somewhat toward us, her parents; she seemed to be living so many lies that I think she was starting to believe some of them.) Sin itself is destructive and alienating; it blinds you to God’s truth that could save you from its ultimate destruction. I could see her heart getting more and more hardened, and she was becoming more and more brazen in pursuing what she wanted despite its destructiveness.
So when she was killed in the midst of her rebellion, as a mother my next biggest question was where is she? Is she okay? Which means, Is she in Heaven with God? There are many questions rolling around in my mind of course—you go over and over the “what if’s” and the “why’s” all the time, but the “safety and security of her soul now” has been the most agonizing question for me.
So finding this cd on the 10th of February was a delight for me, to see where her heart was with God—she hadn’t totally tuned Him out; she was struggling with needing Him, yet not obeying Him, while still recognizing His provision for her . . . which she recognized was her “Only Hope”.
I did wonder why I didn’t find her “gift” on Valentine’s Day this year (like I did last year), and the scary thought crossed my mind that maybe God knows I’ll need to be dealing with something else that day. . . the next day 2/11/09, I discovered my handicapped brother had pneumonia, couldn’t breathe, was choking, but was not strong enough to cough up the choking congestion. His wife called the ambulance for him to go to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe. After getting to the hospital and getting some intravenous antibiotics in him, he began to improve, but the next day, 2/12/09, my older sister called me, crying, and said, “Come home.” So we drove the 5 hours to Georgia that evening, and we were in the hospital on 2/13/09 to see him in the Intensive Care Unit; for twelve days now, we have been taking shifts in the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit with him so someone in the family would be with him around the clock. . . . So God knew I would need to get Merry Katherine’s present on the very day that I found it!
The cd I found had songs on it that revealed her heart to me. These were the songs that were on it:
Life Means So Much by Chris Rice
Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) by Chris Rice
Only Hope by Caedmon’s Call
Masquerade by Caedmon’s Call
Sara Beth by Rascal Flatts
Everything You Ever Wanted by Hawk Nelson
Heaven’s Bright Shore by Alison Krauss
Here are the lyrics of one of the songs on Merry Katherine's home-made cd that showed this grieving mother what was really in her heart toward her sweet Savior and Shepherd:
(Found 2/10/09 on a cd Merry Katherine had made for herself)
Depth of mercy, can there beMercy still reserved for me?Can, my God, Your wrath forbear—Me, the chief of sinners, spare?You're my only hope!
It's my only hope,It's my only hope of Heaven—At the cross forgiven!Long provoked you to Your face,
I have long withstood Your grace,Would not harken to Your calls,Grieved You by a thousand falls,You're my only hope!
It's my only hope,It's my only hope of Heaven—At the cross forgiven!Shows his wounds and spreads His hands,
There for me the Savior stands,Face to face before the SonAnd like Isaiah I'm undone . . .So much deeper than the sea,
Depth of mercy, vast and free,God of love, You heard my cry,Now into Your open arms I fly!You're my only hope!
It's my only hope,It's my only hope of Heaven—At the cross forgiven!